


Why Did I Fall in Love With You?

by Minew



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Hurt, Love, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Romance-ish, Subtle tiny tiny mentions of depression, whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-11 04:47:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10455339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minew/pseuds/Minew
Summary: Love hurts - and Kibum lives in it despite it ruining both him and the one he loves.





	

Kibum is looking at Jinki hunched over the table. There are empty bottles of soju spread out on the plastic table and he is crying, face planted into the dirty plastic. Kibum can’t hear his sobs over the music and the loud chatter but he knows it’s there. He can see it in the subtle way his shoulders move up and down with every breath and he has seen it too many times to not see the sorrow that can no longer be suppressed. It hurts to watch him cry, to know that Kibum can’t do anything to help relieve the pain.

Kibum is not supposed to be there. He isn’t supposed to look at him while he cries. He’s not even supposed to know. But Kibum knows because Kibum has seen it before, seen it too many times. He has heard him cry in the shower, seen him wait in the middle of the night to make sure he’s alone before he breaks down once again. Kibum has felt his heart clench too many times and yet he still goes, whenever the other man leaves. He still follows him to tent bars in Seoul’s nightlife. He still watches in silence until the other becomes too drunk to remember what has happened before. Kibum bites his lower lip for a second or two before he looks away. 

There are elderly men drinking in a corner of the bar, laughing loudly. Nobody is bothered with the two young men at the two different tables and Kibum redirects his gaze to the other again. When he gets off of the chair and slowly makes his way towards the other man, he notices that he has fallen asleep. There are a few bills placed on the table to pay for the alcohol but it’s not nearly enough and Kibum gently lets his hand slip into his pocket so he can find his wallet and pay the rest. He lets a finger trace the other’s cheek and blinks quickly in succession so he doesn’t start crying at the sight. It hurts so incredibly much to see the one you’re in love with hurt alone. 

Kibum sits down in the chair next to the sleeping man and he watches him in painful love. It isn’t until Jinki starts stirring that Kibum gets up from the chair. He wipes his eyes a little as he leaves the plastic tent, only to wait outside with bated breath until he can see the older man’s silhouette leave. Kibum follows him home with tears slowly slipping down his cheeks. 

As he crawls into bed in the early morning he sobs into his blanket as he lets his heartache overtake him.

 

Being in love is supposed to be exciting and thrilling but for Kibum it is everything but. Because he is in love with someone so utterly heartbroken that they won’t ever take a look at him. But Kibum can’t stop and he doesn’t really want to either. He doesn’t want to let go because he’s afraid that if he lets go nobody will be there to catch either of them. He can deal with his own heartache most of the time. It hurts to see Jinki cling to the other members or focus so solely on work that he forgets himself and everybody else but it hurts even more when Kibum distances himself. 

Not only does it hurt Kibum, it hurts all of them. He can see the questioning gazes and the worried frowns and Kibum swallows the lump in his throat and goes on with daily life like usually. He swallows insecurities and talks with confidence for everybody. He doesn’t want them to see how broken he is because that would lead them to see that Jinki is broken too. Jinki keeps it a secret for all of them. Nobody knows that he sneaks out of the dorm to drink alcohol in dirty tent bars in the middle of the night. Nobody knows that Jinki cries in the bathroom when his heartache is too much for him to contain. Nobody but Kibum, that is. Because Kibum knows. Kibum knows everything. 

He hears it at night and he follows. He suffers just as much as Jinki because somehow it feels like he’s lessening Jinki’s burden. There is no way that Kibum would ever tell Jinki about his feelings, however. He doesn’t want anyone to know that he doesn’t fit what has always been right. He doesn’t want them to think differently about him and he doesn’t want to force them into different actions. Kibum is an excellent actor, better than he is given credit for and as long as he can cry in the middle of his showers and make sure that Jinki returns home safely in one piece he will take whatever pain he must. 

 

It’s gotten worse. Kibum’s heartache is getting worse when Jinki slumps further into his and Kibum watches with a heavy heart that only cracks more at the other man’s pain. The other members notice how he looks at Jinki with worried eyes and they ask questions in privacy. They want to know why Jinki’s eyes are swollen in the mornings and they want to know why Kibum sometimes wakes up with tear tracks down his cheeks - and Kibum can’t answer them because it’s wrong and Kibum is anything but wrong. 

 

He follows Jinki to the tent bars and watches him cry in the middle of the night. He feels his heart shrink with sorrow and feels it burst with love and it hurts so much to be unable to do anything. He tries talking to Jinki one evening before he catches Jinki cry. It’s not on purpose that Kibum exits his room while Jinki is there that night, but his throat is sore and he can’t sleep with too many thoughts on his mind and he reasons that a cup of tea will help him. It surprises him that Jinki is on the couch, staring into the wall, not really seeing. They look at each other for a split second and Kibum feels his heart speed up in his chest. It beats frantically and protests when Kibum turns around, breaks eye contact and continues into the kitchen to heat the water. He’s trying to calm himself down as the water temperature rises in the electronic water boiler and it’s getting harder to act like there is nothing wrong. 

Kibum makes his tea in silence and tries to make as little noise as possible. He wants to know if Jinki has left the living room but his thoughts are clouding his senses and he is left with his own frustration. Jinki hasn’t moved an inch on the couch and Kibum stalls for a second. It’s a second too long because when Kibum takes a step towards the hallway and their rooms, Jinki turns around to face him again. His face is unreadable and Kibum doesn’t know what to feel. He’s scared he has been found out, he’s scared that Jinki knows that he knows and he is excited because Jinki is looking at him. Jinki asks him to sit with him so Kibum does. It’s an ambivalent feeling as they sit next to each other, none of them looking at the other. Kibum doesn’t dare and focuses on his tea. He shouldn’t be so affected by this but he is. 

He keeps sipping on the empty cup, faking that there is an unlimited amount of tea in it, too scared to leave and break what is the closest they have been in years. It’s not so much being physically close because Kibum has hugged Jinki many times before in the past. It’s the hope that Jinki has let him inside by letting him stay. 

When Jinki leaves the living room it’s with a soft smile to Kibum and Kibum feels his heart break in two. He’s not supposed to be in love with the man that has just left the living room. It makes so little sense. Love is not logical, love never made any sense - but love was never supposed to be this painful either. He puts the empty cup down and pulls his hands into his sleeves. Kibum doesn’t go back to bed, his thoughts overtaking his mind once again and his fear of ruining Jinki more, his pain of not being able to fix Jinki’s sorrow, keeps him occupied for the night.

 

Kibum shouldn’t really have been surprised when Jonghyun confronts him one afternoon. It’s not so much that Jonghyun knows about Kibum’s painful love because nobody knows about that, not even Jonghyun who is Kibum’s best friend, but Jonghyun knows that Kibum is hurting. He wants to help, wants to be let in the same way Kibum yearns to help Jinki and it pains him to lie to Jonghyun the way Jinki lies to all of them. Kibum fears he is becoming more distanced, more isolated but it doesn’t feel right to let the rest of the members in on a secret that is not only Kibum’s, but also Jinki’s. 

Jonghyun pulls at his hair frustrated and spins 180 before he looks at Kibum with a worried frown. Kibum puts a finger between his eyebrows and gently massages the frown away. He tells Jonghyun he’ll have a permanent frown if he keeps frowning and Jonghyun just sighs before he shakes his head and tells Kibum that he will always hurt if he doesn’t talk to someone, anyone, about it. Kibum agrees with Jonghyun but he can’t tell anyone and so he accepts the hurt that he will have to face.

 

Jinki keeps crying in the night and Kibum lies awake with the door slightly open so he can hear the older man. He has noticed that Taemin has grown closer to Jinki, the younger man clinging to the older more often in a hope to comfort Jinki. Taemin doesn’t know what hurts Jinki so much but he has picked up on it and he acts on it. Kibum wishes it was him who had acted on it, him who had told Jinki not to worry, not to hurt. But he has seen too much and he loves too much and he has to protect himself as well. It’s not fair to Jinki that Kibum has fallen in love with him and Kibum can’t say why he tortures himself the way he does. Kibum considers it a form of self-harm but really, it’s nothing but him being ridiculous and he knows that as well. This hurt he feels is his own and he doesn’t deserve to make it better when he can’t help Jinki. 

 

They meet one night in the living room again, Jinki coming home from a late schedule. He smells of liquor and stumbles over his own two feet. Kibum reaches out to steady him and feels his heart speed up when Jinki falls against his chest. They stand in the living room, Jinki clutching onto Kibum and Kibum frozen to the wooden floor. Kibum is trying to figure out how to appropriately react, how to calm himself and his heart. He avoids looking at Jinki because looking at Jinki would only hurt, would only make it difficult not to trace his jawline or kiss his cheek. It would make it hard to not pull him closer and close his eyes. It would be almost impossible to not imagine a future and Kibum can’t allow himself those thoughts. Jinki pulls away far too soon. Kibum can see the tears in his eyes but the smile on his lips is contradicting. _Thanks_ , he murmurs in a whisper and Kibum nods his head slowly. He is frozen to the living room floor minutes after Jinki leaves him alone and when he finally crawls under his covers, he cries.

 

He wants to do anything when he finds the paper under his bed. It’s a personal letter, something Kibum shouldn’t have been snooping into. There’s a stamp in the top that indicates it’s from the hospital and Kibum is curious. His curiosity dies when he reads it, however, and his heart breaks into another two pieces as he reads the diagnosis written black on white. He leaves the paper under the bed where he’d found it but he never forgets. Jinki is trying to conceal the news with smiles and laughter and bad puns and Kibum purses his lips and looks at his band members from a distance. He can’t find it in himself to join them, though, and he keeps his distance as he tries his hardest to digest the news he shouldn’t have known.

 

Kibum is staring at his handwritten letter. It’s enough to determine his future, their future. If he decides the pain is too much, it will not only ruin his life but the life of four men he respects, admires and loves. Kibum traces his signature at the bottom with a finger over and over again. It’s almost like he’s practicing his signature but he doesn’t need to. This is no autograph, this is nothing to be treasured. This is the pain that he bears in his heart every time he watches Jinki who is so close yet so far. He doesn’t want to admit that it hurts too much now. It hurt when he watched the other cry, it hurt when he assumed the other was straight, it hurt when he was sure it was nothing but a stupid crush. 

But it hurts too much to know that Jinki is suffering much more than Kibum had ever guessed. It hurts to see him struggle with the smallest of things because of uncontrollable hurt. It hurts to not be able to help because of fear and it hurts more to watch and fall even harder in love. It hurts because Kibum knows he’s in too deep now. It hurts because he wants sees the things Jinki does and only gets more respect. Kibum lies awake at night and wishes he could have fallen in love with Jonghyun. But Jonghyun isn’t Jinki and Kibum doesn’t control his feelings - and if he did, he probably wouldn’t have chosen to fall in love ever because this is something he’d rather not go through.

 

It’s on accident that Kibum finds Jinki on the bridge. They’re standing a few meters apart. Kibum had taken a walk in the middle of the night because he needed to cry. He needs to cry and hurt and be afraid of the future, of himself and of this overwhelming love he holds and he can’t do that when he’s in the dorm. Jinki had been in his bedroom. He hadn’t been crying in the living room or drinking alcohol in dirty tent bars. But now he stands a few meters from Kibum and watches the dark water underneath them. Kibum feels frozen to the concrete. He stares at Jinki but Jinki never turns to look at him. 

The seconds feel like hours before Jinki grabs the railing and leans closer. He presses up against the metal and Kibum screams. The sound is strange to his ears, foreign and distanced but it has Jinki turning towards him and their eyes meet. Jinki looks surprised. Kibum’s heart is beating in his chest but he’s still unable to take a step closer to Jinki. It’s Jinki who furrows his eyebrows and walks towards Kibum and Kibum can feel his stomach make somersaults and he wants to run away, wants to cry and leave. He wants to hand in his letter of resignation, he wants to stop being around Jinki. He wants to stop the pain. 

He doesn’t get to do anything before Jinki is standing right in front of him, eyes filled with worry.

 

“What are you doing here Kibum?” Jinki asks.

 

Kibum can feel the tears that start flowing from his eyes and before he knows what’s happening he’s enveloped in a warm embrace. Strong arms are holding him tight and he cries. He cries for Jinki, for himself. He cries in fear and in relief. He cries in hopelessness and helplessness and Jinki holds him all throughout it all. 

 

“I’m scared,” Kibum admits and Jinki takes a deep breath before he admits the same. Their eyes lock and Kibum can see something in them, something so profound and true that he takes a chance. 

 

“I’m in love with you.” 

 

There is silent around them in the middle of the night. Kibum’s words ring in the night and he holds his breath while Jinki looks at him. 

 

“You can’t be.” 

 

“But I am. I know about your depression. Let me help you.”

 

“You can’t, Kibum.” 

 

“I can. It’s okay if you don’t like me, I don’t care if you think I’m disgusting. Let me help you. It hurts to see you hurt.” 

 

They stare at each other for what seems like hours and Kibum can hear the blood run in his veins. He’s freezing but the fear of rejection is far bigger, far more painful, than anything he has ever experienced so far.

 

“You’re not disgusting, Kibum.” 

 

Jinki is looking at him with something genuine, something open and Kibum sheds another tear in the realization. Jinki is broken but he’s open. He isn’t rejecting Kibum. There’s a hint of a future in his eyes, even though it’s slim. Jinki can’t promise he’ll hurt less but Kibum promises that he will hurt beside him. That there are successes to be made, steps to be taken towards recovery. Kibum promises that Jinki won’t be alone in the night and the dirty tent bars and Jinki smiles a genuine smile with tears in his eyes.

Love is painful but Kibum knows exactly why he fell in love with Jinki in this moment. There is nobody but Jinki that Kibum will try for. Kibum will go through the painful notions of seeing Jinki hurt because now he’s close, now he’s allowed to help. Now he is no longer helpless. Jinki can’t promise reciprocated feelings, but he can promise accept, care and willingness to get better. That is all Kibum needs.


End file.
